Eid Mubarak 2015 is around the corner..

Credit to the image owner CLICK HERE

It's coming! The Eid Mubarak is around the corner it's on this upcoming Friday to be precise. Some may be happy and some may be sad. It can be in both ways, Happy because we had survived 30 days of fasting month and be grateful that we still breathe the air we breathing and catching up with the religious prayers and activities that we often look away when it's not fasting month. Sad when we celebrate this thoughtful celebration without the people we loved. 

As for me, the Eid is nothing more or less then last year. This year a little bit down rather than last year. Maybe because of my workloads that bothering me and made my Eid a little bit down than it used to be. Plus, i still haven't got my new clothing for Eid and clothing for my parents also. Being through several places still nothing interest me more or grab my attention. Perhaps, going downtown tonight and put the search engine on again. Maybe tonight is the final call as tomorrow night we will be busy with cooking. 

Currently, i am working though i am on leave because i got lot of things to settle before i can proceed with my leave. Thank goodness my house is just a minute away and thus save some time for me rather than be travelling here and there and waste those precious time on the highway. There are many things came running through my thoughts lately, so many that it kinda disturb me a lot. When i lay myself to sleep everything is like a slide show trough my head. 

How i missed the old days, when we still got a gathering place we can hang out. A place where i can smell my grandmother delicious cooking. A place where i can run and giggles when we fire up the firecracker the night before Eid. We sleep together at the hallway and have a chat till morning. I miss everything about the past that i can never go back to with. All those people who had earlier gone from this world and every single thing that special about them. Seeing their faces smile again and hearing their voices waking us all up. All those memories that will never get back.

But then, memories still a memories and now we must live the life and just proceed and be grateful for what we have currently. Smile and just move on, some things are better left behind or perhaps put it in a box where it supposed to belongs to. There are tons of lists that i have to achieved rather than remembering those heartache memories, Life must go on..

Just move on..

Jalan tunku abdul rahman and mines downtown

It was a long day for me today. After sahoor, went to sleep and wake up at 8am, get ready for work. Work lately was so tight with deadlines and back to back urgent tenders and confirmed job. After finishing up my last bits of work left, reached home around 9pm and straight away changed my clothes and make a move to Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman or Jalan TAR.

Original plan was to buy my new clothing for eid but it turn out to be went back empty handed. Jln TAR was a huge place whereby you can find almost everything there. Reach there around 9.30pm and the crowd was like shoulder to shoulder. It's like a big party full with people in all ages. It's so jam packed and we encountered with 2 walkways that we actually stands still because there are too many people going in and out until there is no room to walk.

Claustrophobic are not advisable to be there. You can't breathe. Trust me, i had been there. As we walked along the shops, we encounter a guy with baju kurung and a hijab. He is not gay or something, but that is his way of promotinv their shops and what they are selling which i think quite creative. They sing along with the radio and stands up at the speakers and promoting their shop.

After having a tough time at jalan tar, we moved to downtown mines. Nana (my housemate) wanted to buy a vapor for her brother in law. Flavour cadbury and nescafe. So, around 1am we arrived downtown. Take a walk, window shopping and we have our late dinner. We sat at the food centre area witb buskers as our live band.

Downtown mines was ok. Not so crowded and there also plenty of choices of clothing and other items to choose from. So, we sat at the foodcourt area until 3.30am. Then, we heading home.

Overall,it was a tiring day but unforgettable memories. Great one, new one and lots to come to fill up my days.

That's all for now. Time to enjoy my bed then..

Gnite peeps.

The gravy factory, nu sentral

Office treat us for an iftar at the gravy factory, nu sentral. They have a ramadhan buffet which cost around RM45 per head. They have a combination of western and asian cuisine. For a lamb lovers, this will be your paradise. I sticks on beef and chicken only.

So far the food was ok for me, but they provided only 1 area for buffet which i feel quite uncomfortable especially when everybody are rushing to get their meals. The rest is a ok.

My rate is 7/10

Mood republik, selangor

Went to sent my housemate sister to shah alam. She studied at CIAST which i never knew exist until today. Hahahah.. Poor me..after almost half and hour journey to Shah Alam,we managed to find the place and sent her safely.

After that we decided to heading for a quick tour at SACC mall. It's almost 10pm and some of the shops already closed. As for to me, nothing captures my attention and my interest at the current bazaar nearby SACC mall and at the mood republik itself. Maybe i am not that fashionista or up to date kinda person. That's why nothing captures me. *winks*

For my readers, feel free to enjoy ur sightings at the bazaar. May you find what you are lookinh for. As for me, the search for my eid clothing still ongoing..

Step 1: Letting go~

Thank you to Actualized.org and Mr Leo for this video.

I can't sleep after sahur and what i did is that i had decided to move on and letting go of my past. So i searching for the cheapest way to solve my problems and to find for solutions. So i bump into this video on you tube. I am glad that i saw and practice what Mr Leo told to do so. I did that. Simple meditation on my bed. Sitting here and close my eyes and just feel my body. Tip of my toe, tip of my fingers and the breathing that goes in and out. 

I do agreed, that we already know all these facts that been highlighted in the video but somehow at some point of our life, we do need some encouragement in doing so. Sometimes, we can seek it in our family, friends or lover. In my case, i am a loner so i searched the you tube. Not being an anti social or something but somehow i have that kinda of feelings that no one can really understand me. They will be judgmental with me and never can get me. 

My friend once said to me that i need to go out and meet new people. Have a LIFE. Go out and enjoy the sunshine, the hassle, the people itself. Just GO OUT and do something. Unfortunately, i had been there and done that, by the end of the day all i can feel is the feeling that keep bothering me somehow coming back again as i getting ready to sleep each and every night. It was a never ending story for me. All i get by the end of the day is tiredness and the empty feeling again and again.

I used to have this weird feelings whereby when ever i hear this song or that song reminds me of the past. I test myself and just switched on the songs. Currently, right now i am doing that. While i am writing this, i am listening to Chester See - who am i to stand in your way. This song meant so much those day. When my ex lover doing things that he not supposed to do. I always to keep playing this song just to remind me of him and the things that he did. But now, while i am listening the song, i just enjoying the lyrics and the music. There is no aching anymore like it used to be once upon a time. Hope this will be permanent in me. I REALLY need this. To really just walk away and stop blaming the world for against me. 

Just by being pause for a moment who ever thought can change the mood that you are in? 

As been told, i wanna keep those lists on my life now. What i wanna do now? Ermmm...

Sports? Leisure? Vacation? or just smile and be grateful for each and every day!

Trying and just keep on the phase going..

Depressions- fighting battle only we know

credit to picture owner

Sometimes, depression are something that we are all unaware off. I am not talking about anyone else by myself. I think what i have is a depression whereby i continuously without a doubt sometimes in a day i will drown myself in my deepest dark empty thoughts. Trying to survive in a war that unconsciously been created by yourself is the hardest part of me.

I have been trough a lot, being up and down in my life lane. Trying so hard to beat the people that keeping me down, trying so hard to prove to other people that i am better than anyone else and trying so hard just to be myself. I keep questioning about it each and every day. I mean, in my deepest thoughts i am thinking why on earth that people around me always keep pushing me down telling me i am not at their level, telling me that i am not as good as theirs and telling me that i have to follow them and perhaps be just like them.

Since a kid, being a middle in my family was not something that i can be proud of. To add things worst, i am not as bright as my other siblings, always have something that will crushes my parents hearts by being very rebellious kid. Tantrum every now and then, trying so hard just to get an attention and so called love from both of my parents. Sometimes, i ask myself why me? why do i have to go through all this phase that keep hurting me again and again. Looking at my brothers and sister, they do get lots of attention needed by them. Being the top students in class, being the spotlight of the family but yet i can see that they are really ungrateful. I do want to tell them, i do want to shout in front of their faces telling them that they are blessed with the love that they need whenever they complaint about my parents not giving them much attention they need. Damn! try to walk and taste my journey before you look at yours that full of flowers and butterflies but still not being satisfied with it.

Counting the hardships and the pain that i have been trough really breaks my heart. At one stage of my life, i just want to give up. Literally giving up, having the thoughts of giving up my life and do stupid thing just to feel alive, Letting other people hurting me, hurting my thoughts, hurting my heart over and over again just to feel me. Just to feel that i exist in their life and just to feel that i am someone that matters. I always looking at other people around me and have this feeling that they are much better than me. Nothing great about me, nothing. I am just a person who don't really matters to anyone else.

My relationships also not helping me much in creating the surrounding that i needed to boost me up. Always ended up with people that love to crushes me again and again and love to see the tears and heartbroken me. I mean, i always have this thoughts that why on earth these people are doing this to me and why do i let them in and creating the scene and repeating them as much as they like. Feeding them with the things that they wanted.

The only thing that make sense to me back then until now is my work. I will wake up and go to work everyday and devoted myself into it. It's not that i am workaholic or something but being at my work desks and meeting other people that is not judgmental towards me really soothes me. Yes, i do every now and then my boss will be such a pain in my ass but by end of the working days or perhaps end of the week, they are just someone who passes by my daily life without judging me every now and then. I mean, being a boss always a boss. I do not have to get their attention or love or what ever personal thingy anyway. If i do my work well, i will be paid well and i can use my monthly paycheck to do what ever i want. Though i was never enough but still, i am satisfied.

Last year was a break trough for me. I don't care if people wanted to say i am old or late to be realizing things around me. I don't care anymore. I was living alone, rented an apartment somewhere outskirts i shall say. Been in a twisted relationship whereby the truth always been hidden from me and when ever things go wrong, nobody stands out. I mean, if you are with me you should know better than anyone else. But, end of the day what matters the most is me. I had enough of everything. If i were to count the things happened before, my relationships my hardships my everything i will drown again and again. Falling again and again and will never regain myself from the darkness that i created. It's time to stop.

I do not have a lot of friends but the one sticks with me knows me well. Knows how much i been through. Knows every inch of my life and my entire stories. They always there when i needed them the most and they never turn their back on me. I don't hang around like everyday with them, don't go movie with them, don't do things together with them but yet they were there for me. One of the things that i managed to pick up in my life that sparkles the light trough my darkest journey.

I want to count my blessings rather than going and blame the path i am into. I could not do anything with my path unless i decided to change my thoughts and the way i thinks towards things around me. One thing i learned is GOD is always there, i mean GOD do not speaks to us directly but whenever i pray, i always talk to him as if i am talking to a person. I will tell GOD everything that happen to me that day. I cried, i smiled and i asks GOD for giving me the light in my journey. Ask him to give me things that i wanted.

As far as i can see now, GOD has been nice to me. Things changes bit by bit and my prayers is answered though it is not as what i had in my mind but surely i know GOD has it's own plan for me. I am still trying to catch up with my life and trying to taste the sweetness of the battle that i am in. Trying to look at the other side of the picture i am in. Still keep on trying and counting my blessings.

One thing that i am grateful for today is i am still alive and i can still doing things that i want. It's not the end of the world though. Other people also have their own stories that GOD knows better than me, perhaps they are much more worst than i am. Who knows, perhaps i am being selfish by only looking at what i am going through and not looking at other unfortunate people around me.

I should create something for myself and try to achieve it then. Let me think for a while and perhaps, who knows things will be better for me from now on..

While i am thinking about what i want to do, or dream or what i really want in my life, i hope that you all can pray that i can manage to recover from me as soon as possible. I want to be happy and great like everyone else. Like those smiling people i seen in my facebook account and at people surrounding me.

Dear GOD, please guide me and help me. Dear readers, do pray for the best for me and for all the people who been through the hard time like me.

Fighting battles only we know...

Demotivated and feeling unwanted

Yesterday night was a great night for me. After having an iftar at ioi mall with my love, we went for a movie at Jusco Cheras Selatan. After two days of tiring late night working hours, i managed to get everything done on time and decided to spend my time with my love. We are both virgorian and that do explains the silent between us when ever we were together. He was like a mirror of myself considering we are in the same star. I am not a believer in star signs but sometimes i do feel like it was connected somehow.

During iftar, we were drowned with our virtual life. He with his mobile and me with mine. After that we took a walk in the mall, pleasure ourselves with a regular pop corn and make our way to Jusco for a movie. Poltergiest to be exact. He was so cool watching a ghost movie though. He doesn't feel afraid through out the entire scene and i was the other way round.

After the movie,we go straight back home and fetching his sisters and we make our move to bangi downtown. Just having a brisk night walk together. Looking around. Buying foodstalls food. His favorite was black pepper meatball. Then, time to go home.

I dozed off that night with a smile on my face feeling grateful for having such a simple walk with my love and just by looking at his smile, he had lighted up my day.

This morning, i was again as usual. Drowning in negativity which i wonder where does all that came from. Perhaps, the inner feelings of being imperfect of myself captures all the positivity in me and kept it captive down under until i could not reach it to myself.

Dangerous zone i shall say. Being too demotivated. So,i took an hour rest during my office hour. Like now, and start writting about what that can make me smile and share it with the world.

And you know what? It did help me. I feel much more better now then 30 minutes before. So, gotta back to work then. Maybe, expressing myself trough writting is a good theraphy for me..just maybe.

We see about that..